For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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