The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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