Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.

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