I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
