note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
