Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
