so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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