How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
