You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
