if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
