Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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