I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize