You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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