THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
