Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
