The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
