I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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