I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
