i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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