thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
