Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
