Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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