Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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