My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
