I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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