my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
