Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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