Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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