You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
