Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
