jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
