I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
cat food counts as protein by the way
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
