you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
