Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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