it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
