She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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