I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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