the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
