The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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