I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
