halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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