marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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