Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
