Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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