Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
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