she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
