I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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