Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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