i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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