yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
