Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize