This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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