I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
soo... how was my night?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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