My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You ruined the universe
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
