3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
