I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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