I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
