All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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