I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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