At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
