4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize