I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
